It’s been almost 23 years since I started to run in the endless road of life. Looking at new born babies, I would say that compassion, love, and food were the only things I need in this world back then. But things have changed and my needs also changes. In fact, the time has come where these three things are not enough and will never be enough.
Looking back at my childhood days, where attention from my parents were the greatest reward I could ever received. I am the happiest kid in this world when I got praised by them for doing something good. It makes me feel like I will do great in my journey to adulthood. But things changed over time. I started to build relationships outside our house, which made me crave for the attention of others too. I actually became a people pleaser thinking that it’s the only way to be good; not being aware that it starts to ruin the goodness in me.
Compassion. It is where my faithfulness in humanity started. I used to believe that every person has kindness and humility in his/her heart. I thought that everyone has a helping hand to those who are in need. I thought that everyone has a genuine sympathetic pity and concern for the misfortune of others. I thought that it is where the love started to grow for each other. Unfortunately, compassionate heart does not exist to everyone. I searched a million times to hold on, but I end up seeing it in a very few people. It is where I started to look for more. My need of compassion grows bigger by asking equality in everything that I will do. I should not be the only one giving, I should also gain something! I started to be kind, to only those who are also kind to me. I only offer my hand to those who have the capability of also helping me in the future. Respect is also something I am not just throwing away, it became something that others should gain.
Love. I used to believe that love is the most beautiful thing. But my roller coaster experiences in life made me feel upside down about love. Love is blind and love is hate.
I’ve always wanted to spread love. It’s actually my childhood goal, but my childhood experiences captured my very soul; it made my love love love turned into HATE. I cried so many times, I got mad and screamed so loud, and also asked Him WHY. But I am left with nothing and no one. It is where I started to easily hate and to struggle loving others. It is where I started to envy others and stop loving who I am, in fact, I started to hate myself. It is where I stopped seeing Christ to everyone. I was blinded, yes! It is because I believed so much in love. I believed so much in the power of love! And now, love would never be enough.It takes a lot of time, effort, respect, and trust before giving it away to someone.
Food. Food for my tummy is enough back then. When I cried mum only needs to give me some food to eat and a milk to drink and that’s it! I’m the happiest child ever! As I grow older, food for my tummy will never satisfy my cravings anymore. I crave for too much in this world; I crave for successful relationship with my family; I crave for a genuine friendship; I crave for fame; I crave for intelligence; I crave for beauty; and I crave for more and more. Endless MORE!
Until one day, as I look myself in the mirror, I saw too much scars, not on my body, but in my eyes. Scars made by being envy of asking too much, not only to myself but also from the people that surrounds me.
I paused for a while, I closed my eyes and prayed. That’s the first time I felt the satisfaction within me. As I opened my eyes, I realised that compassion, love, and food were still too much to satisfy my soul.
If I will just…
STOP asking too much from myself and from others. I have learned that it is about my willingness to take small steps in accepting, loving, and be thankful for who I am and to spread compassion and love that lies within my soul. It’s about being ready to give and to help without asking if I will gain something from it. It’s about loving without being afraid to hate and to forgive. It’s about feeding yourself not only with the most delicious and most expensive cuisine in the world. It’s about feeding yourself with respect, trust, love to yourself and others. And to feed yourself with the scriptures that will guide you during those times that you don’t know anymore how to be compassionate to others, how to love and forgive, and when the time has come that you are craving too much of the things this world is blinding you with.
Lastly, I learned that I only need to take a deep breath and pray. It works! You only need to wait for his answer, and then you’ll see the goodness in everything.
“It is about being contented to what you can give and what others can give.”
“And it is also about seeing CHRIST in every person that we are encountering and acting in the likeness of Him”
“I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.”